Both Ken and Yvonne are on my Altar Ministry Team at Family Victory Fellowship Church. My heart is so broken and hurting so deeply for them. I want to help but feel so lost and powerless. Yes, I know I have power and authority in the Name of Jesus Christ. My spirit just hurts so much. I love my brother and sister in Christ and just want everything to be well with them. Only the Holy Spirit of God can give them comfort but I can give compassion and love.
Please pray for them.
Death of an Adult Child
We do not expect to outlive our children: it defies the laws of nature. All bereaved parents suffer much the same emotions of sorrow and loss. Our expectations, hopes and dreams for the future are ended, and our world has changed for ever.
Our family unit will never be complete again, and every relationship within it has changed. If there are surviving siblings, they have the double problem of coping with their own grief as well as supporting us in ours.
Those of us whose adult child has died have to contend with some unexpected responses. One of these is that many people believe that, because the child was "adult", the pain of losing them is, therefore, much less. They do not appreciate that the role of a parent lasts for all of our lives, and the death of our child, regardless of age, makes us feel that we have failed to protect and support them. Our relationship with them could have matured from parent and child to equality as adults. We will miss the friendship that has grown from knowing and loving them over the years.
Many deaths of adult children are sudden and unexpected; some are the result of suicide or homicide. These deaths often require a post mortem, sometimes followed by an Inquest (or Fatal Accident Inquiry if in Scotland). Even when the officials are striving to be sympathetic, the proceedings can seem like a nightmare. Complications can arise if the death occurred some distance away, perhaps even abroad. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) produces a wide range of leaflets dealing with many of these different circumstances.
The tendency nowadays is for children to stay longer in the family home; so many of us who lose an adult child have not experienced their leading an independent life. We may have been supporting one who was physically or mentally ill, disabled or having difficulties with misuse of substance, alcohol or drugs. Their death will have left a huge void in our daily routine, adding further to our grief. Some children could have led unconventional lives, been involved in prostitution, living rough, or serving a prison sentence. We may then suffer a complex grief, with shame, guilt and regret mixed with our other emotions. (Reading TCF's leaflet Coping with judgemental attitudes may help us here.)
If our child had a partner, different issues may arise. There will be doubt about who is next of kin, and, in particular cases, disputes could start, at the very time when we are least able to cope with them. If we do have to deal with our son's or daughter's estate, this may be the first time we encounter the complications of executorship and administration. We will have to search through their personal papers to establish their assets and any debts. It could be helpful to seek the advice of a solicitor.
For those of us who are elderly, we may have become dependent on our son or daughter for companionship, support and security. Our child may have been relied upon as a driver, for example; now we are faced with the practical difficulties of day-to-day chores without their help. If our partner is still alive, we may have felt assured that, when one of us died, our child would be there to care for the one who was left behind. Most parents say they would have willingly died in their child's place. Older parents may have intense feelings of survival guilt, wondering why, after a long and full life, they should be alive when their child has died.
We may be lucky in being able to keep in touch with our child's friends. Some of them have been well known to us, some of them are new. We can discover extra dimensions of our child's life through sharing memories and photos with them. This will be mutually comforting because they, too, will have been affected by the death.
Some of us are grandparents who have to take on the care of our grandchildren, temporarily or permanently. The children will need extra special comfort and understanding; this may be difficult for us in our own grief, and can be very tiring. Whatever our relationship with our grandchildren, it is best to answer their questions as simply and honestly as possible. When a grandchild's world has been shattered by the death of a parent (our child), the stability and security of their relationship with us will be a great strength to both them and us. They may feel that they can speak more easily to their grandparents than to their surviving parent.
Some only children die before they have started their own family. This can leave the parents without the probability of ever having grandchildren. The years ahead seem bleak and lonely. There will be no one to inherit our treasured possessions. Our family's name may die with us. (See TCF's leaflet Childless parents. )
The loss of a child of any age is devastating. In time, however, the pain ceases to be constant, and we are gradually more aware of the happy memories that our child has left. Although life will never be the same again, we can pick up the pieces, helped by the knowledge that there are still other people who need us. In the future, we will be able to have times of happiness and laughter again - impossible to imagine when we are newly bereaved.
No comments:
Post a Comment